I miss my old self...

30 Sept 2020

The day started just like any other day. The only difference was I was to cook and clean and do everything as atya wasn't around as she had gone to hometown. I am kind of dependent on her for all my chores and it was like a big responsibility for me. I managed well... or may be I thought so. I cooked up a good meal, took Samiksh for therapy, played with Sarasvi. 

Although I regret not spending much time with my kids, I have been hooked to using mobile phone a lot lately. I do not like it. I want to change this habit of mine. I have been missing my parents and just to divert myself I keep myself engrossed in my phone. I cannot express this to anyone, as people think I keep on whining and crying unnecessarily. I do not want people or anyone to see this weak side of mine. I have been missing my dad a lot. He was my biggest strength. I still feel his presence around me and his words echo in my ears loud and clear whenever I mess up. 

The only thing that I regret is that my kids could not enjoy their time with him. Samiksh still misses him and it makes me sad. I am tired of taking him for therapy, doing activities that would improvise on his conversational skills, making him better. I am too tired to do this every day. I just want to get out of all this as soon as possible. It is an endless loop. I wonder when Samiksh will be independent and on his own. I wonder when I can have a heart to heart conversation with him like other mommies do with their kids. I don't know if I can ever have that kind of talk with him. 

I really want to be the old self I was, carefree, full of life. I smiled a lot and now it has faded away. I hardly get time to think about myself. I rarely look myself in the mirror. I barely shop for myself. These days it is all about Samiksh and Sarasvi. I used to write so well and now my writings are no less than a rant. I am hating myself for this. I hate myself for being so pathetic. I hate myself for being so lifeless. I hate myself for being a jerk. I hate myself for being so aimless.